A Letter, Unsent
by SiriuslyMarauderObsessed
Summary: What Remus wrote to Sirius on the day after the Potters were murdered. (Oneshot. "Vaguely" Wolfstar)


Padfoot,

Has anyone ever written a letter like this? Two years ago, before all of this, I would have said no. Now I know better. Everything horrible has happened, and not just to us.

I think it's important to say something though. I'm writing this for myself, not for you. I'm never going to do anything for you again. I couldn't even if I wanted to, after all. You're on the run, who knows where, and if you ever show up again, I pray to God or whatever else might be up there that they find you.

Peter was the one that told me what happened. Did you know that? He showed up here, to the flat, to our flat last night. I guess it was technically this morning? I'm not sure anymore. It feels like time has stopped for me. I know for a fact no one's hexed me, but I just can't feel it passing anymore. I don't think I will in the same way again.

He was shaking when he got here. He was terrified, scared speechless. He was trembling so hard it looked painful. He wouldn't tell me, couldn't tell me what had happened, not for a while, not until after I'd gotten him something to drink, and then only in spurts. It took me a while to understand what had happened. I wish it had taken longer.

You never came back to the flat last night. I sat up all day, wondering if you would, and wondering how I would kill you if you did. Or would you kill me? You killed them, after all, and he was your brother. You know he was. And don't try to tell me it wasn't you, that you were forced to, or that you weren't the one that did it. Voldemort might have been the one to cast the spell, but you're the one that raised his wand to do it.

I just wish I understood. No. I don't want to understand. I don't want you to come back and explain because I know I would listen and I know some part of me would forgive you because I know I love you and -

You always knew, didn't you? How much I loved you, Padfoot. You never said, but you always knew. There was no way you couldn't. Even Peter, poor, terrified Peter knew, and you were always smarter than him. I don't know where he is, right now. He left when I was frozen, trying to understand what he'd been trying to explain, trying to understand himself. I wish he was here, I wish I could protect him, but what good would that be? I couldn't protect them, after all, and they were both better wizards than me. You know that was true. I can hear you denying it, denying everything now. Where is Peter? Is he with you? Have you killed him now too? Please, let me be next.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Everything is gone now. Not just James and Lily. Harry's gone now too. He felt mine, for a while, but now he won't even know me. They sent him to Petunia's. Lily would never have wanted that, but Lily's dead, and where else is he supposed to go? You might find him anywhere. He's the only one left. Maybe he'll be the one that kills you one day. I hope he does, if Voldemort doesn't first, when he's finally done with you.

I. Who am I without you? Without them? I'm gone now too. Peter might come back, but what to? I'm not here anymore. Our things are all around me. Your cassette player, still broken, is in the corner. You said you were going to get that fixed this weekend. Guess you won't now. I'm wearing one of your shirts, Padfoot. It doesn't feel yours anymore. I don't know you anymore. Who are you?

Who are you, Sirius Black? Did any of us really ever know you? I always thought I knew you better than I knew anyone, better than I knew myself, and I thought you knew me too. I guess that's only half true now. You still know me, but you, Sirius, you are a stranger to me now. I'm surrounded by a stranger's clothes, a stranger's food, a stranger's records, a stranger's life. I can't stand it anymore, I can't stand anything.

We were so happy when we got this place. Finally, somewhere stable, even if just for a while. Somewhere were we could lie and say we were safe. But you always knew more than me, Sirius. How long did you lie? How long did you know? You were always inscrutable. You've always looked like you've known something the rest of us couldn't even guess at, but I thought, foolishly, that I might someday get to know too. I won't now. I never will, just as I never truly knew got to know **you**. How long did you lie to us? I won't ask why. It's useless. But did we ever really know you, Sirius? Padfoot, the friend I've loved for years, would never, would-

He's not you? Isn't he? He never was. Never could have been.

I should have known, Sirius. Their deaths are my fault as much as yours. We both know that. Peter knows too. He left so quickly, he must have known. Must have seen the guilt on my face. I didn't stop you, Sirius. I never suspected, but still. I didn't stop you. Not knowing doesn't matter in the end, does it?

All I know now is that I loved you, Padfoot, but I never loved Sirius Black.

Signed,

Remus.


End file.
